How Our Environment Shapes Us More Than We Realise.
A personal story through criticism and the path to self-discovery
Growing up, I experienced constant criticism. Support and encouragement were foreign concepts in my world. Instead, I was regularly judged—especially for the way I spoke. I was often told to watch TV actresses to learn “proper” speaking skills, a suggestion that only deepened my feeling of inadequacy. The more I was criticized, the more I began to internalize the judgment. A voice of self-doubt took root, making me feel as though I was always on stage, always under a microscope, waiting for someone to call out my flaws.
Over time, this feeling evolved into something deeper. I grew fearful of expressing myself around people, convinced they would judge me just as harshly as my family had. Even before speaking, I would pre-judge my own words, anticipating the mistakes, and visualizing the mess I might make. Ironically, this very fear often made me stumble over words or forget what I was trying to say. My mind, conditioned to expect disapproval, felt paralyzed in the spotlight.
This pattern wasn’t limited to speaking. My environment had instilled many fears in me—fear of spelling mistakes, poor handwriting, answering questions, and any situation where I might be evaluated. When I was around others, my self-expression felt suffocated; I feared even the smallest mistakes would confirm their low opinions of me. Before I spoke, my mind was already criticizing every thought. In those moments, I felt as though my voice had abandoned me. I became mute, like a spectator in my own life, afraid to be anything but “perfect” yet immobilized by that very expectation.
In my pursuit of perfection, I felt like I had to shield myself from even the tiniest missteps. Mistakes were simply not an option; I would rather do nothing than risk failing. Over time, my brain started to mirror the relentless criticism I had faced. It took on the role of my harshest judge, evaluating and doubting every move before I even had a chance to try.
In my family, negative comments were common; people spoke badly about me as if it were second nature. I grew accustomed to it, eventually adopting that critical voice as my own. From my childhood, they judged everything: my walking, my speaking, my reading, even my appearance. This repetitive judgment trained my brain to think critically of myself, to scrutinize every part of me, and to brace for disapproval at every turn.
Today, I’m working on untangling these patterns and freeing myself from the weight of constant self-judgment. It’s a long process, but one step at a time, I’m learning to be kinder to myself, to accept imperfection, and to find my voice again—without the fear of judgment.