it hurts, but you’ve grown. you learned lessons for years and you… | by anindytaf | Jul, 2024

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you learned lessons for years and you thought you were going to be unbreakable. and you were wrong. you were a little tree that said the storm was going to be bearable. and you were wrong. you were a little fish that said the waves were going to be calm. and you were wrong. you thought you were tough enough because for years you built a fortress inside you. you calculated how painful it would be. you thought you were wiser because you cultivated wisdom here and there. and you were wrong. you were triggered. there was a glitch. you caught yourself falling. you were self-aware. you knew deep down that emotions are acceptable. you knew a story about two arrows. the first arrow that hits you creates temporary pain and the second one is how you interpret it, how your thoughts keep lingering on that scene. it is likely to hold you back. you love the story. but you failed to live it.

when things didn’t work out. you hurt. you were upset. you were agitated. however, you were not the same person as you were years ago. all lessons you have gained never go away. it always remains. it is not a waste. do not let one moment ruin you. studying life for years is always a good thing. you might not apply some lessons when you need them, but it is totally fine. the moment you break your promise or your agreement with yourself does not mean the world is over. it does not mean you betrayed yourself. once you realize you haven’t healed yet after a long period, life is also teaching you something. life is whispering to you. life is reminding you that healing consists of the entire journey you are embarking on. healing doesn’t refer to an ending when everything becomes a picture-perfect scene. it will be an incessant of hurdles you will face. you are on a long road and there will be intersections, the wrong turn, some puddles, reckless drivers, a dead end, and so on.

maybe you were mad at yourself for doing something you planned to avoid. you accused yourself of being a liar. you were disappointed because things got you when you thought you were capable of handling them. you were sad because you fell into the same hole. it brought you back to the old version of you. and now it is a time to be gentle with yourself. it is okay when some discomforts get under your skin even though you thought you would not be defeated. you declared “i know how i should react”. it is okay. it is okay if you were triggered. it is okay if it hurt you when you thought it was unnecessary. it is okay if it made you blue when you thought you had been there so many times. we all have moments when we forget to follow the compass. we are pulled unconsciously.

but, when you finally accept what happened, you acknowledge it, that is what matters. you give yourself another chance. you give yourself grace. you mixed the unintended color on the canvas with the actual color. you continue stroking your brush and move forward. yeah, maybe you hoped you had a perfect journey of healing, but you are allowed to revise it now. healing is also about embracing uncertainty. healing is also about redirecting when you are about to quit. healing is also about compromising with yourself. healing is also about honing your compassion for yourself. healing is also about living with patience. healing is also about hugging all of the imperfections.

march 12, 2023 (unpainted moment)

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