Why Did I Take My Hijab/Veil Off?! | by Bravetales | May, 2024

Why Did I Take My Hijab/Veil Off?!

Taking off my hijab or veil was one of the most liberating feelings I ever felt in my life. It became the act of closure after years of doubt and hesitation. I was so determined about it that I never bothered to explain myself for whatever reaction I got. And maybe this article will be the first and the last time I deep talk about it.

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For context, I was born and raised in East Java, Indonesia where the country itself is well known as a Muslim-dominated country. Although Indonesia is not an Islamic country and by the constitution, four other forms of religion are legally accepted by law, Islam still holds the torch of majority. Idul Fitri (Ied) became the most anticipated and biggest holiday for the country when Christmas only got one or two days off in the calendar, most public schools will give at least two weeks off for Ied.
Islam in Indonesia is different from how it is celebrated and practised in the Middle East. Islam in Indonesia has assimilated with local wisdom, culture, and morals which for centuries were also influenced by the Hindus-Buddist and other beliefs.
Since I am Javanese, we take ‘Kejawen‘ for example. Kejawen is a cultural belief of Javanese people that was created or influenced by many religions such as Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Islam, etc that assimilated with Javanese culture. It’s a complicated yet intriguing subject itself to talk about next time, but for this context where Islam in East Java is heavily influenced by Javanese culture the Muslims here are not as stern as the ones in the Middle East. Despite that, it is still a very conservative society. The girls were subtly treated differently compared with the boys. Although we weren’t denied education, there are still tons of rules that a girl must follow. A girl must know how to cook, a girl must married and expect to be the one who raises the children, and the wife must see her husband as ‘imam’ or leader in the household, when I was in secondary it was mandatory for the girls take accounting class while the boys take mechanic class, we given no choice.

As a kid, I didn’t feel discriminated by my gender. Maybe because I never see gender as a matter or source of problems. Instead, I would directly confront anyone who tried to dictate how I should act as a human being even to my own father and ended up with a notorious reputation as an anarchist. All blame shall fall upon myself, an arrogant individual who can think for herself and refuse to bend on unreasonably. Only three or four years ago when I began to read plenty of Western and Eastern philosophies ideas I recalled the old memories and realised things had happened might be because of my gender.

In addition to the context, I was sent to Ngaji (Similar to Sunday school, but a Muslim kid attended Ngaji almost every day in the afternoon to learn Arabic, how to read Holy Qur’an and Islamic study) at the age of 3, a year before I attend Kindergarten. I can fluently read and write Arabic and Holy Qur’an by the age of 4-5. But I can only read and write the alphabet by the age of 6-7. I attend an Islamic Private Kindergarten, so I wear a Hijab. I attend Public Elementary so I took off my Hijab. I also attend Public Secondary but because of my mother’s request, I ended up wearing a Hijab. Then I enrolled in a Private High School and because their uniform was already long, I decided not to wear a Hijab which resulted in me getting glarred by my parents. It’s not long tho, because, in my second year, I got accepted into the Student Exchange Program in Thailand which I applied. The program was a pioneer program held by my school foundation and one Thailand school foundation. What a luck! that Thailand School Foundation is an Islamic school.
I headed to Thailand not wearing my hijab and upon seeing me like that the Thai school headmaster requested (more like oblige) me to wear one. I was sixteen and having the best time in my life. The hijab was the last thing I care about. Carried by the feeling of thinking that wearing a Hijab might be my destiny, I kept my hijab on even when I attended university. Third year at Uni, after came back from my first internship, I finally took off my Hijab forever. I never put it on again even until today.

That was the long context, now let’s travel to deep inside my little mind. Highly restricted area where the internal conversation happened and was never revealed to the public.

I remember being excited when my mom let me attend Ngaji. Since I was a curious kid, I genuinely wanted to learn. But the day I arrived at the mosque, surrounded by the kids’ squeaks and teachers’ frustration, I learned what it means to feel like an alien for the first time in my life. Soon the teachers gathered us in the middle of the room, everyone got quiet and the oldest among the teachers took the podium and began his speech. About God and why we have to be afraid of God. About Satan, the Devil and their treacherous schemes to drag us with them to hell. About why we have to pray and act kind in order to avoid God’s wrath. But the voice inside my head never stopped questioning each of his statements.
I was three or close to four, not knowing who is Socrates, the dualistic theory, or the history of religion. I grew up being taught that only Islam is the truth and any traitor would be ended in hell. This 3-year-old is scared of hell by the way. But….

“If you stole the bread then you must be the one punished, why blame innocent Satan for your own action? Poor Satan!”

“Why should I be afraid of God? Shouldn’t I pray because I adore God? Is God a Ghost I should be afraid of? Then Shouldn’t I run away from it?”

I couldn’t stop my mind and it was actually the beginning of my overthinking hell.

Later I found out that half of my big family is Christian. When I was a kid, we used to have a tradition that the Christian family would come to the Muslim family’s house during Ied and the Muslim family would visit the Christian family’s house during Christmas. Although the tradition died together with both of our grandmothers from two big family deaths. My doubt over religion stayed throughout my childhood phase. I consistently compare both Islam and Christianity and my objective is still to find the truth and the truth lies in the concept of religion. The doubt over faith is directly connected with my insecurities and the thirst to find identity.
One day when I was 17 before the university entrance exam, I left home one morning after a huge fight with my granny and uncle. I sat alone in the middle of the town square under the big old tree shadows with only birds around. That day the town square was relatively empty, it’s weekday morning anyway. When I was deep in my mind, a lady in her mid-20s came and greeted me, and asked me if I spoke any English. I said I do and she offered me a magazine. I forget the context of our conversation, but I remember asking her if I could attend their meeting. She saw me wearing hijab and hesitated before finally saying, ‘…but our meeting is something like Christian congregation..“
“I know, so can I come?” I said then she smiled and agreed.
From that day until the next three months, I feel like having a double identity and act like a secret agent. Sunday morning, I went out of home with my Hijab on, drove my motorbike to a secluded road and at the speed of light I took my hijab off when no one was around then off I went to the congregation. I quite like the new community I met. I liked the people, and the ideas they taught and believed, and it was the first time in my life I became Amy. Yet a clear uneasiness inside me tickled my consciousness. Whether because I did all of this thing behind my family or something else. So when University began, I convinced myself that school was hectic to not attend the congregation anymore.

During my first semester, I befriend a devoted Christian in the student association. He ended up becoming a good friend of mine even until today. So I told him about the congregation I attended and when he heard I said ‘Jehovah’s Witnesses’, he went wild! I thought his conviction was quite funny because I like everyone I met in JW but I need a reason to quit anyway, so I took his concern into consideration. Later he took me to church to observe what genuine Christianity is like. It ended up becoming my first and last trip to church. Because it all feels the same. Whether it is mosque or church, they talk the same thing in different ways to address God.

I think after 18 years, I have enough! Regardless, I still keep the hijab on and pour all of my energy into my study and social activities. With a new freedom as a half-adult, I felt like I was living my best life while being the best version of myself with the last incomplete piece left hanging in the air. Until few months after I turned 20 and somehow got myself an opportunity to work as an Intern for Conservation International in Raja Ampat, West Papua. It would be the farthest place I ever visited and the longest I would be away from home. Nobody knows me there and maybe I can be Amy that I always want to be. The Amy that only unleashed inside my locked room all these years.

At the end of January 2017, it was Chinese New Year and the roads were super busy. I spent longer on the road than I planned, although lucky for me since I went to the airport hours away from my flight. I packed everything including my hijab in my brand new carrier bag I bought after working hard for hours tutoring kids from one home to another. Filled with excitement and anxiety, that evening I went in and out of the toilet with only one thing on my mind, ‘Should I open my hijab?‘

Yes!
it might be our one and only chance! No one knows me in Papua, not a single soul! I wonder, how would they accept Amy without a hijab? Amy with opinion, Amy with a bright smile and personality but also stern, Amy without image, rumour, or words they heard beforehand from someone in their circle.

No!
What if they don’t like me too? What if they think I am too snobbish because I speak English or because I somehow knew a thing or two and accidentally said the words inside my head? What if they hated me because my opinion was different?

I walked in and out of the toilet in Djuanda airport with two considerations played again and again like a broken cassette. When I made up my mind with ‘Yes!’ then the toilet full of people, immediately ‘No!‘ took over. Even after a 45-minute delayed flight, I ended up flying with my hijab on. Two hours flight to Makasar, the voice inside my head became quiet. Just like the scene from the movie, together with Perfect by Simple Plan played in my earphones, I jumped out of the aeroplane as soon as it landed. It was midnight but the airport was still packed with people, maybe because it was the holiday season. I ran into the first toilet I spotted, locked the door, and took my hijab off.

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It was quiet for a second, then a group of middle-aged mother came in with their kid. They seemed in a hurry so I went out right away and saw myself in front of the mirror without a hijab in public again after a very long time. I wasn’t doing it in secret anymore. Whatever happened will happen!

“It’s Okay! Even when they didn’t like me, I’d only be there for two months. I can always come back to my hometown and be the old Amy I always be.” I said to myself.

I could sense the tears on the tip of my eyes, I could hear the noise people make, and I could feel the crisp cold marble countertop, but I was blind and deaf. I felt no other emotion but thrill and seer of adrenalin.

It was a transit flight, my next flight to Sorong, Papua would be at 3 am then I would take a ferry to Waisai, Raja Ampat. So I had about 3 hours before my next flight. I went to a nearby bakery, grabbed some coffee and bread and found myself a quiet seat in the corner of the bakery. I feel like talking to someone, but it’s midnight and for whatever randomness I have that day I end up calling a friend/stranger I knew a couple of months ago from an International forum event. By some miracle, he picked up my call and we talked for about an hour.

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There was a time during my Internship in Raja Ampat when I stood alone near the calm clear water with the white sand surrounding me in tranquillity, I thought to myself

“Am I spending my luck for the next couple of years on this journey?”

because for the first time in a very loooong time, I feel alive. Like, a human, a living being, breathing! Seems like I found that missing little piece inside me. People here, not only accept me just the way I am, they praise my work and appreciate the way I am working. They taught me things so I could grow better, they let me be curious, patiently answered my questions, and gave me a chance to be myself. Instead of shunning me when I made a mistake, they scolded me and then taught me how to do it right. The team, the stranger, the kid, and all the people I met during my internship in Raja Ampat were so kind and appreciative. Bit by bit they let me build my confidence and my self-esteem.

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One afternoon during my stay on Arborek Island, I strolled along the island with a teenage girl and we chatted about random things. At some point she complimented my appearance, she said I was pretty. Instinctively, I dispute her opinion,

“I am not Pretty!“

“No! You are!” She argued with me back and seemed like she was genuine about it.
Her thoughtless words and her innocent praise flipped back my world with just one sentence.

I have been told that I am ugly ever since I could remember. Compared to my pretty sister, I was the ugly one in the family. Even when you don’t want to believe them, by the years somehow you’ll eventually believe the words people said about you when they consistently shoved it to your ear.
For that same reason, I always lived my life with the motto “I can buy beauty, but I cannot buy brain!” focusing my life on broadening my horizon with knowledge. I couldn’t choose my birth or the body to born with, but I can choose the kind of adult I wish to be, right? Although the insecurities remain and dropped my self-esteem. Yet that simple praise from a girl I know a couple of days ago sent me out of that box to witness and laugh at my own idiocy!

I thought I was smart! I thought I was stubborn and unbothered! Yet I forgot to realise how relative the term ‘beauty’ was. Her simple praise marked the closure point of my physical insecurity and the turning point of my decision to take off my hijab.
I believe in God but I have given up on religion already, I see no point in keeping my hijab on. I have no reason to wear one, to begin with. I like myself just like this and there were people out there who like the version of me that I like and feel comfortable too. I am not the weird one! I only need to find my folks like people in Raja Ampat.

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Full of confidence I went back home without my hijab. I was on my high horse. I truly became deaf and blind because I could no longer hear people’s opinions. When my juniors gasped in fear witnessing me arrive at a diving club meeting without my hijab, when my best friend shouted so loud in public with disappointment in his voice saying, “Astaghfirullah (Oh My God) Amy took off her hijab!!!!” and wipe his face in distress when my senior from student association met me in library and also shout out loud similar context about me took off my hijab, and many more funny reactions from people that know me. Some scold me, some are curious, some blatantly ghost me, some cry for me thinking I have some identity crisis, and some rare people clap for me proudly. But I couldn’t listen to any of their opinions. It’s not like I don’t want to, but I can’t! I am deaf!
All I could feel was thrills, excitement, freedom, confidence, comfort, and an overload of happiness. So I faced all those reactions with a bright smile and laugh because only that expression came out of my face.

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It was a long journey, but finally, at the age of 20, I found Amy. She’s not perfect. Still doubts herself and still needs to shut the voice inside her head, she still with tons of fear, and still needs to learn a lot of things, but she is Amy. Amy knows that not all people need to know her opinion, not all people need to like her, not all need to be in her life. Amy knows her value and what she wants in life.

And thank you, this is Amy 🙂