After the chaos. Photo by Mitch on Unsplash | by AnaDiniz | May, 2024

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Depression | mindfullness | self improvement | mental health

Photo by Mitch on Unsplash

I wake up early to the annoying noise of the alarm clock, I allow myself to stay a little longer lying down, while I regain mobility and my senses, the annoying alarm clock starts ringing again and for me only a minute has passed. I sit up in bed and feel as heavy as someone with a hangover, yet without having touched a drop of alcohol.
I get up and feel how sore I am, and I remember that I didn’t make any physical effort to justify the pain scattered throughout my body. I said physical effort, but it’s the physical manifestation of the struggle within my head.
I wash my face and comb my hair to give myself a humanized appearance, I look in the mirror and see a monster screaming to leave, but it stays and the more I look, the more I realize it’s not scary, I splash water on my face once again and look in the mirror and see something gray and opaque, something that was once inhabited by shadows, and now only their marks remain, that reflection is me, but I don’t recognize myself. And I ask: who are you? After all the black cloud and the feeling of constantly falling, what remains? What do you become? You spend your life building and destroying, like a house builder. Who are you to destroy me?
When the chaos goes away, what is left of us? My psychologist asks me to redefine my dreams, pursue hobbies, reconsider my interests, when I try to remember each one of them, I realize that nothing is left. But how the hell do I fight for a dream again, if I don’t even have one, I don’t even know where I’m going. It is necessary to discover what is inside, like a primate discovering a toy.
What do you want from me? – I ask the reflection.
Is it possible that the person in me has destroyed themselves? I mean … I think there still resides in me a spectrum of what I was, but how to recover? How to color the features that now appear in gray? How the hell do I have a dream again and guide my life to develop it?
Now that I no longer bleed, it is necessary to sit and put the pieces together, if I am capable. It is necessary to ask for the rescue of the light that was buried and take advantage of the same grave to bury the shadows.
But I’m afraid… I’m afraid of falling again and feeling like I’ll never stop, and if the shadows come back and the tiny voices insist on whispering to you: “you’re worthless”, “the best thing you can do is end this ridiculous figure”, “who are you trying to fool, you’ll end up alone”, maybe, but just maybe next time I’ll answer: “Who are you to judge me?”.

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