I decided to decipher my decisions
I fear a’s and b’s, multiple choice questions and pick a card. If someone asks me to choose between having tea or coffee I’d prefer leaving. Decisions are difficult. To think, to articulate and to be choose something is exhausting, and then the guilt of being perceived as the wrong decision maker takes a lot energy. I never want to choose. Or maybe I never took the leap of faith. From texting the guy I have been crushing on from weeks to making a choice between which food to choose at an italian restaurant, I can’t choose. My friend asked me to choose for her pictures and I sucked. Terribly. Making choices is a reality we have to face, but being able to come close to your fear of choosing wrong things and getting into trouble doesn’t leave you. When you didn’t make any decisions when you were young, you can’t make them when you become an adult. When children are making their decisions they are not free for doing so. Childhood leaves them, but the fear doesn’t. This makes them dependent on their parents or others to make decisions for them. When you can’t choose you have to ask others, but what if the people who chose for you disappeared one day? Is it worth it to let them make decisions for you? Maybe not. But we fear what I “now” call the art of decision making. My mother can’t make decisions either, she’d ask me what I want to eat for dinner twice and still not make it. I inherited the coping mechanism to avoid making decisions. When the decision making process feels so overwhelming and anxious, it feels good to find a sweet spot in between to avoid the situation as a whole which is by asking the other person to make one for you, which results in conversations like :
“So, what would you like for lunch?”
“Um, well, whatever you like”
“Do I not trust myself?” is a question I ask myself often. I don’t have the courage to do so. To place my trust in my thinking capabilities, to fail in doing so, to choose the wrong option or to even do a mistake. To be able to fall is something I would always want to avoid. My cognitive brain is dead, like a rock, so I make decisions on the basis of my emotional brain, which furthet tells me I have always made bad ones, so I avoid the whole process. We’re on tile one again. To be able to make decisions, I must face the challenges which come with it. While the most fearful part of making decisions is the consequence, preferring to avoid the consequence is always a safe option. What feels like a defeat causes my self esteem to fall, so it works as a coping mechanism. Maybe I didn’t trust myself enough to think that I am even capable of making my own decisions. It’s irrational, it’s stupid. But it is how it is. Then I decided to start snall, and made only one decision, to make my own decisions. The mistakes we make don’t define us, but the way we learn from them does. So I decided to make mistakes. I decided to “allow” myself to make mistakes, which is more important than the making mistakes part itself. The illusion of control we get after not making a decision sure feels comfortable and nice. But the reality of being able to not do the same mistake feels empowering. Like a fresh breath of air, which I have never inhaled. I inhale this air now, it feels lively, exhausting yet amazing — to be able to breathe after being on a ventilator since so long. I own my mistakes, do the wrong things, but learn from the. I take that leap, do the risk, instead of fearing making bad decisions.
- Hello beautiful people! I’m Ruchi, the author of this blog. If you liked my work and resonated with it, check for more such stories here! And leave your valuable feedbacks under this article, I’d love to read all of them!! Happy reading ????